5am start, the alarm buzzes (Bruno Mars – Locked out of Heaven). Start generator, fix breakfast, switch the water heater on, wait 15mins, catch up on the news, sipping the hot beverage. Water hot, jump in shower, choose the outfit, and pick up essentials – Keys, phone and wallet. Dash out, car washed, engine warm, catch local news on the radio, traffic! Fuel low, gas station en-route, cash low, ATM en-route, park, there is a 5 man queue, join at the end, and check tweets…

I’ve often wondered what people do at ATM machines that take longer than 3mins, surely you had an idea about your balance, surely you know what account you are accessing and for god sake you do understand English. While impatiently tapping my right foot and looking out for LASTMA officials (car wasn’t properly parked) I soaked in my environment; 3 ATM’s aligned together, but only one with waiting clients. Enquires as to why no one tried the vacant one brought about an explanation of service issues. All too soon one sharp guy, darts past the line towards the vacant cash machine, I’m gearing up to giggle, as he takes the walk of shame all the way to the end of the queue. Observing the fellow at the point now, he prints-out the balance (there is an on screen option), he now does the math while gesticulating with his finger, and then proceeds to punch in directives. Meanwhile the sharp guy concludes his transaction and skips by, with a quizzing look I ask “Is it paying” and his response was “YES!” Moral of the story? He who dares wins; we are a people that dare, even in the face of impossibility. It is the single characteristic that makes my green passport proud(er).

I’ve often wanted things that are out-rightly beyond my reach, these dreams are spurred by hope and usually have a way of motivating us. I wanted my signature on money; it was a marvel for me to have your name on the most used piece of paper in the Country. I didn’t aspire to have my face there, as a I have be a monarch or die (what’s the fun in that) but I envisioned my grandkids beaming with pride as they spent cash. What I didn’t envisage was that you could have your signature on money and still be arrested for fraud, it brought about a new perspective to this fantasy. Some inner awareness came over me (you know those voices in your head, RE: blog title), hold a high public office in Nigeria and chances are you have seen or will be seeing the insides of a Jail cell. If that is the price for my signature on money then I’ll settle for a street name or some greenery with a statue.

On a serious note, the recent self-mutilation of teenage females in protest of Junkie Bieber is appalling; the amount of blood lost for this cause is mindboggling. Please teenagers, find a constructive less expensive (who go pay for hospital bill) and effective way to get your message across – I suggest you ALL go out there get some Marijuana, smoke it while you upload your pictures on twitter @justinbieber. This is a serious matter; the fellow might end up charged with involuntary manslaughter if one of them cut too deep. Nigerian Teenagers, step up your game, we don’t want to keep seeing Davido in bed or Wande Coal’s wiener, get us pictures of 2face, Terry G and Nneka sharing inspiration. We now have the express service of INSTAnt teleGRAM’s to distribute images nicely altered for your viewing pleasure.

It would be nice to dedicated protesters, in this day and age of technological advancements, audio AND visual is attainable. All of a sudden, details matter, we clung to minute details of a failed bribe; where the perpetrator put the (rest) of the loot in his hat, as all other pockets where otherwise engaged. It would be really nice to have people express their disappointment in corrupt government officals with self-mutilation. I reckon it would be a daunting task, but fear not, Dbanj is rumoured to have signed Tonto (and lost his own record deal) – some inspirational music to guide the blade. While on the music, can someone please start a Save Majek Fund charity? Besides oil and Nollywood, he was our biggest foreign export. Andrew was laid to rest this week, in her speech, AGN president advised Nollywood practitioners to be more conscious of their health, explaining the need for them to embrace the health programme of the guild by simply registering with the sum of N1,000.

(s)He who dares wins!


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