There is no thing certain in life, except death and taxes. Well at least in Nigeria its death, we know how to die. Every so often some sudden mysterious and spectacular passing occurs, it arouses our spiritual questioning and tugs at the core essence of our existence – for when faced with loss, we gain wisdom.

Farewell, Chief Justus Esiri (MON).

Science is still dubious for us, we find it slow, abstract and clothed in white long coats. As a true Nigerian faced with a health condition, the hospital is a place to go only to show your financial strength. We embrace our natural remedies, our herbs, twigs and roots and after consuming all manner of toxins, we take the headache to our spiritual leader. We are not satisfied until we are told what we usually know or suspect (except where they tell you, it’s your mother that’s the witch), we carry our burden to another white garment ‘doctor’ and rather than pay for psychological sessions we talk to otherwise total strangers about our dreams. In fairness we have evolved, the little hut and dingy den has been replaced by large halls and dashing ushers. The movie industry put a bad light on the traditional problem solver, so he changed his office, his clothes and staff – for the bible is a formidable tool, not only in psychological evaluations but also powerful painkillers. Every so often a ‘king’ uses the Lord’s name in vain.

Every so often a proper preacher man releases a song or album, riddled with the message and tinged in humor, laced in melody and marinaded in vibe. the sound of blackmagic akin only to the one he attempts to tie his sandals (Fela didnt wear sandals tho), is a blend of something rare in this society, but loud!

As I waited in the office of a preacher-man, left with nothing but my thoughts and curiosity, I perused the bookshelf and discovered ‘the art of seduction’. He is an Engineer with two degrees and accomplishments in charisma; the art of word-spreading indeed requires some seduction. One plus one is two; not eleven, so talismans and staffs gave way to books and iPads, same service, different location.

It has always been a wonder to me how balance can be attained, for equal measure is indeed a feat to reach. How in our infinite knowledge did we miss the true concept of balance in its core state, how did we not see that everything came from one source – the good, the bad and the Segun Arinze.

Over time certain crimes intrigue us enough to follow attentively, the twist of the tale and the shenanigans of lawyers usually keep us entertained until the next big brother Africa. Watching a legless man weep in court is like watching your favourite housemate get evicted- with highest number of votes from his/her home country. What happened to the days when people gallantly went to the gallows? No wincing, and no whining, just suck it up with an Anini smile and enjoy as the breeze from bar beach hits your face one last time.

There needs to be some questionnaire filled prior to mobile phone purchase, maybe licensing users to enable proper usage of these devices. First of all no illiterates should own blackberries, no one with a less than 70 IQ ranking should be allowed to send broadcast messages on any interactive chat medium or social network platform – How on earth does a Display Picture Change with distribution of a BC? Small time we would believe drinking our own piss is herbal therapy for some common placed ailment, or the Pope resigned for physical health reasons.


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